Ed's God
by goodgirl275
Summary: Crack!Fic. Ed shows up in Grimauld Place. Harry is self-absorbed, Ron is a sexist pig. Ginny is desperate. One-shot. I don't own either fandom.
The noble house of Black was an ancient, rotting place filled with secret, underground cult members. The members were very different, but had the common goal of uniting and convincing everyone else in their world that there was a manic, murderous, evil wizard running around trying to kill everyone. Some of the members were a part of a family so large and crazy, it was a wonder that only one of them turned to the dark side. Another member was a deranged, escaped serial killer who had never killed another person, and yet another had a magical eye, gravelly pirate voice, and a peg leg, yet no parrot to be seen.

One of the younger residents was not allowed to join the phoenix death cult, but was pivotal in the war they were fighting as the baby who killed Voldemort, and was then slandered as a teenager for claiming that the evil menace was resurrected. With messy black hair and vivid green eyes, he was hailed as "The-Boy-Who-Lived". Like, is living a crime or something? Anyways, the child's name was Harry Potter.

In an alternate dimension full of Alchemists and with much less segregation than that of the racist wizards and non-magical humans, the country of Amestris had just defeated an evil, omnipotent being who swallowed God and had lived for thousands of years, killing people and splitting pieces of his artificial soul into children (psychopathic adults) named after the seven deadly sins, who also were now dead.

Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, was almost happy. His brother had sacrificed himself for his right arm so that Ed could transmute and punch a bastard with a God-complex in the face. He was happy about his arm, but his cat-loving brother being "dead" was not pleasing.

Ed picked up a metal pipe and started to scratch the concrete plaza with it, sketching a circle. He knew it wasn't perfect, but he had studied so much about Alchemy, he could fix the inconsistencies and use himself as a circle blueprint to transmute.

As the Alchemical genius filled in the shapes and symbols, random people who had help fight the war asked what he was doing. "This is the Fullmetal Alchemist's last transmutation!" Ed proclaimed. People gasped, some called out "No, Ed!" and such drivel, but Ed would not be distracted. He would save his brother!

He clapped his newly-restored palm to his strong, muscular left palm, an injury through his bicep still trickling blood. A brilliant blue flash overtook everything he could see, and suddenly he was in a white space, with no color except for him and a skeletal boy sitting on the floor in front of an enormous gate.

"Alphonse!" He called to his beloved brother.

"Brother!" Alphonse replied.

"Alphonse!"

"Brother!" Al attempted to get to his feet.

"Al!" Ed finished closing the gap between them and helped Al up.

"Brother!" Al started into Ed's eyes, as gold as his own.

"Al!" Ed stared right back, ignoring his siblings nudity.

"Brother!" Alphonse embraced Edward, smiling softly.

"No Goddamn Yaoi!" Ed yelled, startling Alphonse, who he gently supported. "Now where is that bastard Truth?"

"I'm right here, Mr. Al-chem-ist." The entity known as the World, God, Truth, etc, stared at Edward and Alphonse, frowning when they stopped their show of brotherly love.

"I'm here to return Al and myself to the world!"

"Nope!"

"WHAT WAS THAT, YOU GODDAMN GOD?!" Ed roared at Truth.

"I thought you didn't believe in God?"

"I don't, that's just one of your names!"

"Anyways, Mr. Al-Chem-Ist, I am going to cut you a deal!" Truth said, his grin restored to it's disturbing glory on his face.

"Excuse me?" Alphonse shyly spoke, and coughed his poor, unused throat. "Can we finish up? I want pie!"

"Right, right." Truth calmed. "Mr. Al-chem-ist, I will be sending you to another dimension to guard a boy who is alive in a world of Magic where you can use Alchemy and when you save his life then you can return to your brother, who will be in your world with allll of your little friends. What do you say?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN A PINT-SIZED, MIDGET PIPSQUEAK WHO COULD'NT BE SEEN BY A MICROSCOPE, YOU INFERNAL DEITY WHO HAS RUINED MY LIFE SINCE I WAS A FUCKING KID?!" Ed exploded, dropping Al, who caught himself and did a ninja backflip in his newly-restored body. "Oh, and to answer your question, Hell No, I'm going to give up my gate for Al and go home."

Truth frowned, paused, then said, "They have the best pie in the omniverse."

"Hell, yeah, I'm in!" Ed grinned with Truth. "Bye, Al! Tell Mustang 'See ya, suckah!'"

"Bye, Ed!" Al called as weird hands pulled him into a gate full of eyes. "Bring home some pie with you!" As Alphonse vanished from sight, an echo of his voice was heard, "Yeah! Now I get to have Mei fawn over my poor self, and then… heh heh heh…"

"Huh," Ed said. "Who knew my little bro knew anything about stuff like that?"

"Let's go, pack it up, Mr. Al-chem-ist! Into a world of magic!"

Back in the other boring universe that didn't just defeat a God, a group of children were sitting around a table, staring at an empty pack of exploding snap cards. One child was the famous Harry Potter, and he was sitting with his best friends, Hermione Granger, a know-it-all uber-activist, and Ron Weasly, a sexist pig. Three of Ron's siblings, Fred, George, and Ginny, were sitting with them, creating a grand total of 6 people, ripe for possession- er, sorry, to witness weird random events.

Hermione suddenly stiffened. "Yata! I did it!" she crowed, standing and dancing around the room. "I possessed Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter book series! I'm a genius!"

"Er, Hermione? What are you going on about?" Ron asked his best female friend.

"Oh! Oops." The possessed witch muttered something under her breath about stupid Ron, and sat again. "Well, bye. Now to possess the ferret… " Hermione stiffened again, and collapsed in her chair as if she was a puppet who had had her strings cut.

"Well, that was worth a few seconds of entertainment." One of the twins muttered.

"I wish something fun would happen!" The other twin yelled.

"NOOOOOO! Don't wish anything!" Sirius Black, Molly Weasley, Mad-Eye Moody, and various other Order of the Phoenix members cried as they rushed inside the room.

"Why not?" Harry asked hotly, his previously dull green eyes flaring to life. "Will wishing something resurrect a dark wizard out to kill me that you will decide isn't important enough for me to join your death- er, anti-death cult cult aligned against said dark wizard who is, might I remind you, trying to KILL ME?!"

"Of course not, don't be ridiculous, kid," said Mad-Eye, his magic pirate eye swirling noticeably. "We-"

"Snivellus," Sirius broke in, "made some Felix Felicis, and he turned it into air somehow, and now for the next five minutes whatever we want will happen."

"So I can join your death cult?" Harry asked excitedly.

"No," Mrs. Weasley said, "not even luck can help you there, Harry-dear."

"So I can marry Harry?" Ginny said, and everyone ignored her. "... So someone can acknowledge my existence?"

It was at that moment that a giant blue glowing circle appeared over their heads, and a blonde chick fell to the ground with a crash, right on top of Ginny. Pushing herself to her feet and brushing herself off, she glanced around.

"Who the fuck are you supposed to be?" The chick was not a chick. His voice was high, but masculine, and his hair was in a manly ponytail. He wore black clothes like a preteen goth wannabe, which was simply impossible with his hair like spun gold and his eyes molten and so deep you could drown in those pools of angst. His right arm was twig-like and looked like a deflated balloon in comparison to the rest of his very toned, very hot, very MALE body. This, my fellow fans, was EDWARD ELRIC, THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!

"I'm HARRY POTTER, the important guy with the tragic backstory!" Harry said angrily. Who was this handsome hunk of BADASS to take away 'the HP's' spotlight?!

"I'm Ed, but you are to address me as 'the Studly Pie-loving Overlord Master,'" Ed said with finality. "Some bastard calling himself 'Truth' and 'God' and 'World' and crap like that sent me to be Potter's stalker- I mean, bodyguard. Yeah, that sounds about right."

"So let me get this straight," Mad-Eye said, hobbling over to Ed on his peg-leg for maximum pitiable pirate effect. "You were sent on a mission from God to be this child's stalker?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"God sent you to stalk this boy."

"Yes, we have established this, Moody," Sirius said, scratching his ass.

"You were sent by God-"

"For the love of God, shut up, crackhead!" Ed yelled at the man while Sirius picked his nose. "I don't even believe in God!"

"But you just said that God-"

"Yes, God sent me!" Ed yelled.

Moody was twitching, his eye zooming every direction and eventually settled on Ed's left leg. "By, God, boy, your leg-!"

"YES, by motherfucking God, you shit-brained cyclops!" Ed said angrily. He suddenly calmed and said, "I believe this is the time where I am obligated to faint." So, in the name of convenient plot devices, PRECIOUS's eyes rolled back into his head, and slumped away into a dead faint, landing on Ginny who was just regaining her will to stand, his handsome face falling straight into her squishy, 14-year-old bosom.

"Oh!" Cried the hormonal female.

"I thought you wanted Harry, not Ed-the-random-stranger," said Ron.

"Someone noticed me!" Ginny gasped. "And shut up, I don't want to be noticed by a sexist pig like you."

Ron shrugged, and spoke to Harry instead. "Women are domestic creatures that are only good for housework. Why did whatever entity is out there send Ginny to the noble house of Weasley?"

"According to this boy, apparently GOD!" Moody said hysterically, and burst out laughing.

"Come with me, deary," Mrs. Weasley, God bless her, led the… emotional man out of the room.

"...Should we just leave him on the floor?" Hermione said, looking at the hot hunk of blond MAN using Ginny as a pillow (she seemed to be enjoying it).

Before anyone could act on her words, the twins, who had been uncharacteristically silent because the author forgot that she put them in the room, hauled him off their sister, promptly marched over the big-boobed girl, ignoring her mewls of pain, and stood in the doorway, maneuvering Ed between them.

"We're going to go _rape-_ "

"Take care of this _stud-_ "

"Stranger before he _catches a cold_ -"

"Dies from prolonged contact to _Ginny-_ "

"That desperate heap of _thing_ -"

"Our sister on the floor."

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

With no further corrections to their… morally questionable sentence that switched speaker no less than _5_ times, they apparated away with Ed in tow, leaving Harry, Hermione, and Ron standing.

Oh, and Ginny crawled away, hissing about " _boobs_ " and " _Kreature_ " and " _Harry-and-Ed-sexual_ ," whatever that means.

"Well, that was a thing," said Hermione.

"Shut up, woman," said Ron.

"HP fo-evah! GOD sent me a bodyguard! I'm totally gonna total Voldy-shorts' ass!" Harry said.

Ron and Hermione stared at their erstwhile friend.

"You realize that Voldemort probably wants to rape you before killing you, or maybe rape your corpse?" Hermione said casually.

"Shut your face!" Ron said, and proceeded to snog Hermione's lips off.

… The author decided to stop writing before she had to bump up the rating…

The End?

* * *

 **A/N (edited 2.10.18) - The author would like to say that the views and opinions stated by the characters do not reflect her own. She enjoys yaoi, doesn't have strong religious beliefs, and really thought they would just make good jokes. The author would also like to add that she does NOT support rape. It's serious business, and while it is joked about for comedic effect, this was also written when the author was young and stupid. Please don't take anything the wrong way.**


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